The last three months have been a complete nightmare and I really hope to be pain free and feeling better soon. I phoned the nurse on Wednesday to ask her if my consultant or his Spr could see me that morning in clinic. Or I said I will see them in A+E later on. She is such a lovely lady and I thanked her again for helping me, I think she feels just as frustrated that this is still going on. My boyfriend took the day of work and we made our way to the hospital, I sat uncomfortably in clinic until the last person had been seen. I am lucky that the Spr is exceptional and is I think a good man, I know he wants the best for me. You can tell with doctors, some don't give a damn and some genuinely want the best for there patients. I told him everything, that I'm losing weight, I can't eat because of pains and also great difficulty of emptying. How I'm in pain all the time but the worst is when I go to the toilet. Which happens about every three hours day and night, leading me to be completely exhausted. How I feel sick and have vomited. All these things have led me to be overwhelmed and desperate for help, I am extremely depressed and often feel I may have to take drastic actions to make it all stop. This is not easy to admit, but there it is.
He listens, looks concerned and saddened, my boyfriend is holding my hand, whilst I am in floods of tears. I ask him, how he would resolve all my problems which he doesn't know until he has a look at the pouch. He offers to look at the pouch in about 10 days time, which makes me cry even more. "No, I cant cope with this for that long. I just want you to give me a permanent stoma and take everything away." He realises the situation has reached the next level, so he calls the Prof. Who is then in the room in less than a minute. So I tell everything to Prof, who is also very disappointed and sad this is happening. He offers to perform a EUA (Examination Under Anaesthesia) on Monday which is only four days away. He explains that he will give me a permanent stoma and take the pouch out but, his list on Monday is full, but he has time to do a EUA. I agree to this, but make him promise that he will respect my decision and will promise to help me.
It's obvious that the pouch does not function well and they have said what might be an option is to redo or defunction the pouch giving me a temporary stoma and then trying again. Well, that sounds as appealing as a slap in the face with a wet fish!! No thanks.
So I'm doing a lot of soul searching, praying that God gives me the strength and courage to get through each day. But I think at this moment in time the best thing for me would be having a permanent stoma. If they had an empty slot on the theatre list tomorrow I would run in to that theatre with my butt hanging out of the hospital gown.
Oh and another thing..............its a biggie!!!!
I don't have a J- Pouch!!!! Yep that's right!! I have an S-Pouch!!!! When this was said I could not believe my ears, had I heard that right!!!! Well, I think my S-Pouch....sucks!
Well, I won't be getting any literary awards for this drivel, but there we go. This is my life! I'm off to fight with the tv and remote control, why do things not work when my boyfriend is not here to fix it!! ha
Keep Strong x
Oh my friend. Hang in there. I pray that God will give you comfort and peace in HIm. "Come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." May He give you the strength and rest you need for each moment.
ReplyDeletePraying He'll give you wisdom for hard choices. And that your doctors will HELP you!