Surgery in two weeks

This time in two weeks I will probably be in a recovery bed, after having my rectum removed, j-pouch and loop illeostomy constructed. Wow!!! that's major!  I got the call a week ago and I am feeling a mixture of emotions ranging from, nervous, excited, scared, happy,annoyed,angry,sad,overwhelmed.  Mainly I am nervous, but I am trying to be courageous and keep positive      Worrying will not change the outcome only use up my precious energy, so I am trying to give up negativity and think about all the positive things.  Like how for the first time in years I will be able to say I'm DISEASE FREE!!!! How good does that sound.

Ultimately I have made an informed decision that I am happy with and that is the most important thing.  I am well aware of the complications but to me its worth a go...I could be one of the lucky ones and this time next year could be writing about how my j pouch is working out for me...and telling you all the joys of butt burn!!! haha...that would be an interesting read.

I really want it too work, but if it doesn't I would live a content life with a stoma, in fact that is my main reason for being so upset.  This may seem ridiculous to some people but I will mourn my stoma going, I love Winnie completely..she has totally saved my life and given me back ME!!! Lets hope this new stoma behaves just as lovely as Winnie has...a new name will be revealed when I have my new stoma :) yes people I'm a little mad, but it keeps me smiling.

I hope you are all doing well.

L x

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want too.

Well technically it wasn't my party, but a friend’s.  It was a great day despite crying before, during and after the party.  It was a significant step and a realisation of how far I've come on my UC journey.  A year ago I would not have been well enough to attend such do’s.  It was emotional for me to see childhood friends, which six months ago I never thought I’d see again.  Before the BBQ there was a tennis tournament and I sat on the bench in the courts watching the boys and girl! playing.   It was great, I sat comfortably without pain and without the fear of needing the toilet NOW! I didn’t need to be dosed up on drugs and I didn’t have diarrhoea.  Winnie (my stoma) took care of me.  It was a simple thing, just sitting there watching them all play tennis but it was an extremely wonderful moment of realisation.  That I’m so blessed to be alive and well, and to live in such a lovely part of the world with lovely friends.   

                I was worried people would see me differently now that I have a stoma, but they don’t.  It’s still the same and they are genuinely so pleased to see me look so well.  I was having a crisis of confidence in the morning, which is normal when you go through something like this.  I am having difficulty with my body image at the moment, and I’m working on getting my confidence back.  I still want to feel desirable and attractive, I’m still a passionate woman even with a stoma.  Why should I not be.   I find it hard to understand why my boyfriend would still love me, which is absolutely ridiculous as I know he does, we are childhood sweethearts.  In fact he has said to me, that he really didn’t like my colon one bit, but loves Winnie.  She has turned my life around.  I’m sure most ostomists go through this period of acceptance and adjustment.  Healing emotionally takes a lot longer than the physical side of things.  So my advice to myself and to others is take time, cry if you need to and remember you don’t have to be strong all the time, being vulnerable isn’t a sign of weakness.  It takes great strength and courage to be true to your real feelings.