Takedown Misery

Have I done the right thing?  I want a stoma back.  What have I done? a few things that have run through my mind after my reversal op.  Everyone says, the first few weeks or months of adjusting to life with a j-pouch is awful.  Some people will say, you will wonder why you didn't just stick with having a stoma.  I agree, I have been in tears many times nearly every day since I had my op!  I am not a happy j-poucher (yet!)  I keep telling myself, why have you put yourself through this, I couldn't have been happier with life with a stoma, why have I gone and put myself through this!  I am in a lot of pain when I go to the loo, I feel awful pressure and I find it difficult to empty my pouch completely.  I have had many sleepless nights, going to the bathroom between 3 and 7 times.  I have now got a small pile, which is certainly not helping matters!  I had this when I flared with my UC and only now because I'm using my bum has it reared its ugly head.  

Fortunately I have only had two minor leaks, due to misjudging when I can pass wind and when I need the loo.  During the day I am going about 5-9 times.  Slowly, I am getting an appetite back and I am trying to eat little and often.  I am eating the same foods I did with my stoma, although I am sticking to bland foods for now.  No, I haven't fancied a curry yet!  The butt burn has lessened, just by using wipes, having baths and using barrier creams.  

My wound hasn't fully closed yet, but it is getting there.  I have visited the nurses at my GP and also done a few dressing changes at home myself.  The deep muscular pain has only just started to subside and I am able now to lie on my right when I sleep which is great.  

Maybe once the pain has subsided, I will be ok with having a 

j-pouch, I really hope so, because feeling like this is torture.  My poor body has had so much to adjust too, and only time will tell if having a jpouch will out weigh my desire to have my stoma back.